Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
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cats when you pet them too long:
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I think I’m having a stroke
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again