Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

kevin is now a local weatherman

It’s on my to-do list.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*