Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.