Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

The most precious boy

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing