Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

“Do you moan when you eat?”

Me, making small talk in an elevator

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

normalize having existential bread

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…