Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.

Them: No we get that.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*