Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
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I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
*frowns in Scottish*
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
My wife gives the best headache.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.