“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
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Lube but for my dry humor.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
We avoided this particular disaster
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps