Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks