Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth