Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

Me: how are you

Friday: good

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Eating for two.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…