Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

what’s in a name?

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Another day, another…goddammit

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.