Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER