Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger