Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
O Wise One….
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”