“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.