Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.