No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Hey everyone who says aliens don’t exist.
Explain morning people.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you