Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”