Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do