Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Love this guy
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.