Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

wut hotdog?

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.