Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Why you watching this shit?”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
It will always be this
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective