“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Dear Lord..
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
relationship goals
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all