Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
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No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Who chose this font
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.