Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

🎵 I can’t wait to

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.