Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

consequences, the bane of my existence

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet