Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.