I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“You go first.”
[The Matrix, dog version]
Dog Morpheus: Take the grey pill, the story ends but if you take the grey pill I’ll show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes
Dog Neo: *Already eaten both pills* RABBITS?!
Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
*chugs down my 6th glass of wine and slams it on the table
Can I hold your baby?
So I’m still newish around here…
What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?
*dresses like a kitty*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team