Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.