Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit