*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.