*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
calling in to work dehydrated
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.