Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.