*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not