Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the