Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

🔦🌙👣

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.