Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

Me trying to look natural in photos

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

Good morning

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁