TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
People are always calling me “Einstein” so I know I’m super duper smart.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”