TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book