TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Why am I like this?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
You learn something every day
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.