Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

My beach vacation Google searches

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

A family that plays together cheats.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging