Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Can’t. Being lazy.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends