Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

🙂🐾

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?