Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

when you miss your boat so you have to take the train

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

*first day as a Walmart greeter*

Me: You know Target’s still open, right?

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie