Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”