Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

oppen heimer style lol

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

No one :

Me when I swimming :

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you