Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

I unironically love this joke.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.