Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

🤣🤣🤣

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people