Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*