Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

All is fair in drunk and war.

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Cool shirt 🙂

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.