Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science