Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“