Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Come back with a warrant

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*