(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You Might Also Like
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
stand with me against insufficient seating
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*