Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You Might Also Like
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
Welcome to your 40s.
Why did I come into this room?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Facility rental: $100
Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless
Math of a mother