(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My ideal weight is five million dollars