Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Whoa 😂
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?