Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?
He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile
#LunchPun
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.