Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE