Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
