Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen