Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Hell yeah 👍
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*