Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
$4 #usedbooks
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
this is the best interaction on twitter
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card