Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.