Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Just me and my debit card against the world
Husband of the year 😂
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.