Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

finally found a reasonable question

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

seems like a niche market

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.