Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

😂😂

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free