Tremendous stuff
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.