Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.