TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Bike is short for Bichael.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.