Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

😂

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.