Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
what?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl