Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair