Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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one last job
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
When I laugh on my period
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?