Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
