Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

I have so many questions.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Story of my life…..

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.