Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.